


(Hold me) Closer than Before

by RobinWritesChirps



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Reality, Camping, F/M, Family, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25787410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinWritesChirps/pseuds/RobinWritesChirps
Summary: When Tim offers Becky a spot on Tom and his annual camping trip in the forest of Hatchetfield, she’s not quite sure how to tell him that the forest is the last place she wants to be at and why. Before she knows it, everyone is invited, including herself and the girls. Maybe a short trip with her family is all she needs to soothe the pains of the past.Family fluff, implied mentions of trauma. Features original kid characters.
Relationships: Becky Barnes & Lex Foster, Becky Barnes/Tom Houston
Comments: 17
Kudos: 20





	(Hold me) Closer than Before

**Author's Note:**

> I bought a Switch this week and played lots of Animal Crossing so here we go. Add me at SW-4898-2971-4193.  
> Also, not that it’s core info but if you haven’t read my previous fic "Our Newborn Queen", one of the kid OCs I made up for Barneston is deaf so that’s what’s happening with the lil baby girl.

Tim told Becky about the tradition the first summer she shared his home and his life and she realized with great fondness that this tradition was much older than the boy even knew. She remembered it from forever ago, how excited Tom had been come the good days in anticipation. Every summer, his family had gone on a camping trip, sometimes just a weekend, sometimes a week or two depending on the budget, but there wasn’t a year they forgot to carve out some time in the outdoors for themselves and their son. He had kept the tradition as an adult and had brought wife and child with him as they had come into his life. Even the lonely, terrible year without Jane, he had taken his son to the forest for a few days and the fresh air had given them an ounce of respite. Later, Lex had gained a spot on the trip but Hannah, who disliked being out in nature, had asked to stay at home and Becky was all too happy to stay behind with her.

Life went on the rest of the year anyways. Another trip went on without her or Hannah and she was glad for the excuse, and not just for the delight of spending a quiet weekend with the girl. Tom knew, of course, why she loathed the idea of spending any length of time in the forest of Hatchetfield, but the terror would have been harder to explain to the children and Becky never liked to lie boldly if she could just do so by omission. The next year, she had a baby at home to take care of, and another one the year after that. She thought she had an excuse for good, but babies only remained babies for so long and children’s decisions were not always forever.

"Can I come too?" Hannah asked Tom the summer their baby daughter had just turned two.

All heads at the table turned to her, even the toddlers who had no measure of the rarity of this request. Tom had been jotting down ideas bouncing between Tim and Lex, all three very much looking forward to the upcoming trip and the activities they were planning for it, but he was now staring at Hannah more than a little surprised. He caught himself at it and gave her a smile so that she felt welcome.

"Of course," he said, "Any of you can come, always."

“I wanna!” Nicholas cried out, who was three and a half and never liked to be left out of anything his much older siblings were a part of. “Mama, can I?”

Becky made herself smile and brushed fingers through his soft hair - he had had a haircut or two in his life but in her knuckles it still felt all baby hair to her.

“Of course you can, sweetheart. You’ll have fun with daddy, won’t you?”

“Yeah!” The boy said. It had always been his favorite word, ever since he had first started to babble.

"Rosie can come too," Tim said. Nudging her, he signed to her as he spoke. "You’re a big girl now, you wanna come to the forest with us?"

Becky wasn’t certain Rose had understood him or if she simply enjoyed his excitement but the girl was suddenly nodding along, eager to be taken aboard too. Lex seemed thrilled with the idea and quickly filled up the little ones' heads with simple dreams of woods and lakes and camping and hiking on the trails of greater Hatchetfield. The whole breakfast table was all merry chatter around the upcoming trip until Tim turned to Becky.

"So are you coming with us?"

Tom's eyes narrowed uncomfortably and he touched his hand to Tim's shoulder.

"She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to."

Tim frowned.

"Yeah, but it could be fun and..."

" _She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to._ "

Becky and Tom found themselves trapped in the middle of an argument neither took part in. Tim vehemently defended himself against having tried to force anything but just insisted it could be nice to have everyone there, Lex was questioning the reasoning behind keeping Becky away and made thinly veiled accusations of prejudice against Tom. Nicholas, overwhelmed with the loud voices, climbed off his chair to come and beg for Becky to pick him up for a hug. Hannah and Rose were looking at each other confusedly.

"Okay, _okay_ ," Tom cried out over the others. "Alright. Becky decides if she comes or not."

Becky's chest tightened and her heart pulsed uncomfortably all of a sudden. The forest of Hatchetfield was huge, surrounding the whole town with dark green in all directions, and there was no reason to believe they would camp out anywhere near the same place as that terrible night over six years ago. By any measure, she ought to leave the past where it lay cold and dead on a forest ground and long gone. She ought to keep her heart with her family, with the joy of a mundane life, but the healing process was still raw even after these years and often it felt to her like it would never end at all. All eyes were fixed on her. Nicholas held her close.

"... Then I'll come," she muttered in defeat.

Some weeks passed and made the decision no easier. Tom had opted for a shorter trip than usual, just a few days for her to dip a toe in the waters and see how she liked it. None of the older kids had complained about a lighter trip, none had asked why Becky had had such reluctance from the start either. Becky hated herself for not telling them, but she hated herself all the more for having such a burden she could never share, for the misdeeds of her hands that would always weigh on her heart no matter how many years had passed. She was terrified to be back in that place and she did not yet know if her family’s presence would assuage the blow or deepen it. Tom had offered her a way out a few times, but Becky had kept her resolve and he had finally accepted that the decision that pained her so was made for good.

"It might be for the best in the end," she said, sighing.

It was the day before they were set to leave and Tom had appointed himself in charge of packing, for he was the most quick and efficient in that regard. This was a skill he had kept from his time in the army and, no matter how he had come to regret and despise his past in the military, the habit clung to him, unable to be shed. The past lived within oneself, Becky knew, and one just had to make do with it.

"This could be just like nursing," she said.

Some years ago, just around the time she had given birth to their boy, Becky had considered the idea of changing careers and had shared such thoughts with Tom. A new Becky, now Becky Houston, a new house, a family around her, she might have let go of the path Stanley had initially set her on. There were other jobs she thought herself cut for. She had always had an interest for education or speech therapy, but as she had gone back to work after her maternity leave, she had been too overwhelmed with how much she enjoyed her present job to consider moving on from it. Stanley’s hand had led her into nursing, yet she had grown into it despite his horrible ways and had found relief in going to work more often than not during all those terrible years. There was no reason that she could not learn the same with the forest of Hatchetfield. His ghost could not haunt it forever. She could find a joy there with her family entirely independent from the memories that persisted. That, at least, was her foolish hope.

"If you think it’s worth it," he said, nodding in understanding, "Then I hope it is. Becky, even if we’re already there and you feel you have to leave, I’ll drive us home no problem. It’s never too late."

She smiled at him and gave him a soft kiss of thanks as she passed him the outfits she had picked for the little ones, the last to be packed.

"You’re my escape door," she said with a smirk in corner. "Noted."

Tom kissed her once more and she was soothed by his hand at her cheek, by the kindness in his gaze as he checked into her eyes that she truly knew he meant what he said. Having found whatever certitude he needed, he stroked his thumb against her skin once more and turned back to the backpack.

"I’ll go check that the kids have packed their things alright," he said, zipping up the last compartments − Becky found it adorable how tiny the little bundle of clothes, how three days worth of outfits for two wriggling toddlers could fit so easily between his palms. "Then we’ll load the cars and tomorrow is another day."

Usually just the one, two cars were needed this year and everything was split between the family car and Lex’s old battered pickup truck that had seen better days and better owners. She would be driving Tim and Hannah, hopefully the boy’s bouncing excitement balanced by Hannah’s more reserved nature for a perfect manageable blend for their older sister. The younger ones came with Tom and Becky, all strapped up in their car seats and beaming with anticipation.

Nicholas was babbling the entire ride. At three and a half, his speech was a little clumsy but he made up for it with good manners and enthusiasm. No matter how much he stumbled on his words, though, his sister was eager to watch him and soak in the good energy. He signed some to her, but not very well and Rose didn’t understand too much either, but sometimes the best feelings of all were not to be put into intelligible talk, simply felt and shared between the ones you loved. Surely even toddlers knew that very well.

Tom held her hand on her lap the entire ride too. A few times he uttered some reassurance. If it had been anyone else he was so intent on comforting, if he had tried this on Lex, the girl would have felt smothered and infantilized, but Becky had never been sated of Tom’s comfort. She was always starving for it. Of course, he avoided big words and big concepts, scared that Nicholas might understand or repeat some of them, but Becky felt soothed even in his semi statements. She clasped their fingers together and smiled at him and occasionally Tom threw her a glance and a smile back. It wasn’t a very long ride to the lake and the forest.

They stopped at the entrance of the campgrounds to hike their way across to the opposite side of the lake that first day. It was, for all Becky could say, nice. She was unencumbered, only carrying the picnic for lunch, so that all she had to concern herself with was keeping the family together and lathering the kids with sunscreen every so often, for the sun was shining bright in the sky. Lex and Tim were each carrying a tent, Tom the bulk of their things. Nicholas and Rose each had a tiny backpack for their favorite toy and a choice of snacks and drinks, but after only a little while, Rosie’s short legs got too tired to keep up with them and Tom picked her up for a cozy seat on top of his shoulders. Her little fists caught onto his hair like reigns, which must have been uncomfortable, but Tom only smiled and kept moving like she was no weight at all.

Becky tried everything in her might to enjoy the quiet rustle of a summer breeze, the banter and chatter between the kids, Tom’s guidance as they made their way across the woods. Here and there, the forest cleared up and it was more like a normal hiking trail, but Becky had not been an avid hiker in her life or even an outdoor kind of person, not even when she was young. She was warm and comfortable, she reminded herself. She was anxious and on the edge all at once, too.

"I think she’s dozing off," she noted after a moment and plucked their daughter from Tom’s shoulders to cradle her in her arms instead where she would be more secure. "Here we go."

Rose protested a little, a soft groan, but nestled into Becky’s embrace and fell asleep shortly after, soothed by the pace of her steps.

For lunch, they stopped at a sunlit grove and ate quietly on a blanket of moss. Nicholas kept hopping around to try and catch critters to show off to the older kids, Tim in return poured out all the knowledge he had of the natural world at every bug the little boy showed him or pointed him to. Hannah was leaning against Lex, silently listening to her conversation with Tom, Becky was helping Rose eat and cutting up bits of fruit for her. There were other hikers passing them every so often, other families and couples and singles, people enjoying a good weekend just like they were. The air was crisp with the smell of evergreens.

In the afternoon, Tom lagged behind the group with her to hold her hand and keep her company. They talked of anything and everything and she knew he was doing all he could to distract her from herself. She couldn’t say if it worked, but she was grateful for the attempt. They reached the bottom edge of the part of the grounds where camping was allowed and he offered to stop there for the night, as the little kids were plenty exhausted for once in their lives.

"Oh, can I light the fire?" Tim asked, already gathering up some light kindle.

"Knock yourself out, buddy," Tom replied with a smile.

He was unpacking the tents with Lex and figuring out the best location in all his grand expertise. Becky felt some guilt at how perfectly at ease he had been all day, how completely in his element, and what kind of a wife she was to still be fretting.

"How do we do the tents?" Lex asked, frowning. "Boys and girls, or?"

Hannah was the one to protest first, an outburst so sudden all heads turned to her.

"I wanna sleep with dad," she declared in a tone that would not suffer to be contradicted.

Tom nodded as if he had been expecting this. He was sorting the different parts of the tent in orderly piles for better efficiency. This was the same tent he had used from childhood, sturdy and strong, and a second one he had borrowed from a friend for the purpose of this trip to accommodate the whole family. Tom always did things the right way, the way he had always done them and always would.

"Becky and I with Hannah," he said. He glanced at Becky who had a very sleepy Rose on her lap, lulled by the sight and warmth of the rapidly crackling campfire Tim had built. "And we’ll take Rosie and you take the boys?"

"Fine by me," Lex said. "Tim, I’ll pinch you if you snore."

"But I can’t control that!"

The tents were raised impeccably under Tom’s instructions, though Lex was becoming quite adept too, several years in a row now and at any rate cleverer than any of them. Tim was rambling to Becky, flaunting just how much of a specialist he was at cooking on a campfire and Becky smiled and nodded at his claims − she would have to taste for herself, but she trusted him. Rose, who had been a quiet baby and was growing into a quiet toddler, was cuddling Becky and observing everything surrounding her. Becky kissed her soft hair and sat at a safe distance from the fire. She wondered if the girl could sense her struggling at all and if this too was why she was being so calm. Nicholas, who had been much too curious about the flames he had never seen before, was called by Lex to come help build the tent with daddy and was now handing out the poles with all the strength his little arms could muster. Hannah poked a stick intermittently into the embers and soothed herself with the trail of smoke it left in the air when she traced shapes there.

"There," Tom said, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction once the tents stood there ready. "Strong and steady. They’ll make do."

Dinner was soon ready all thanks to Tim’s hard work under Becky’s watchful eyes. He was fourteen and proud as could be to be doing anything entirely on his own. The hotdogs were slightly too crispy but as nobody was in a mood to be particularly critical, the meal was praised and Tim beamed with joy. After that, they made s’mores and the little ones’ faces showed more chocolate than skin when they were done but Tom rubbed them thoroughly clean again and all was good. His arm around Becky, he smiled down at her reassuringly and she leaned into him. The smoke was burning her throat a little, perhaps too unused to it.

"Okay," Lex said, "Who’s got the first ghost story to tell?"

But Tom cut her there.

"No ghost stories, alright?" He asked, trying to sound as friendly as he could. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Not, erm, not with the babies there. They’ll get nightmares."

"I’m not a baby!" Nicholas cried out, but Tim pulled him back on his lap to cuddle him like he was, in fact, still the little pink newborn he had been a few years ago and he was soon giggling and the slight forgotten.

Tom was squeezing Becky closer to him and she held his hand to silently show her gratitude. She could feel Lex’s eyes scrutinizing her but kept her gaze on the fire to avoid looking at her. Too mesmerized by the fire, she soon closed them entirely and snuggled into Tom. She felt too tired already, sore without any right to be for such a quiet day of little exercise. The others spoke around her but she could not focus nor partake in the conversation and before long, night fell over their campsite and Tom declared they should get some sleep.

Becky kissed all the kids goodnight, especially Nicholas who was particularly looking forward to spending the night with his two older siblings and felt like a big boy. Tim was playing with him and the stuffed rhino he had taken for the trip and the two boys made shadows against the canvas of the tent when Becky left them there for the night.

"Hey," Lex said softly, a hand at Becky’s elbow. "Are you alright?"

Becky blinked. She tried to smile. The dark trees were looming around them. She had never much liked the dark. Lex was frowning with concern.

"Of course," Becky replied. "Why wouldn’t I be?"

Lex was smart enough to see through the lie, but thankfully also to not push Becky beyond it. She pulled her into a hug.

"A’ight, goodnight then," she muttered.

They parted, though not before Lex kissed Becky’s cheek gently and let her go back to Tom. Becky crawled inside the tent opposite hers, the one she was to share with him and the younger girls. He was busy changing Rosie into her pajamas but smiled at Becky’s entrance, patting the space next to him where he had laid out her sleeping bag. As soon as he lied down a moment later, Hannah cuddled into his side. She had been very silent all day, more so than an already reserved usual, and Tom kissed the top of her head to comfort her. Becky took the other side and Rose made a little ball of herself in her child-sized sleeping bag next to her, already falling asleep after a long day. It wasn’t long before the small tent was filled with the quiet breathing of the children deep in slumber.

Becky realized she could not sleep. Her thoughts had barely been in her control all day, but she had distracted herself with the company of her family. In the calm of the night, there was no running from them. Whenever she closed her eyes, she saw it all vivid again, the shape of him as he chased her through the woods, the evil glint in his eyes, she could smell the foul breath so close to her, how he had tried to restrain her for good and forever. The sharp, shiny blade of the knife. She shivered and realized she was close to tears.

Tom’s arms wordlessly wrapped around her and held her even closer. She hated the contrast of it all and for a moment she felt torn between two realities. Tom’s embrace was still the safest place in the world as it had always been, so how could she lay there in his arms in the worst place she could be otherwise? And how could she be surrounded by two of the most precious beings she knew, one she had born and the other she had taken in, in these very woods haunted by the worst deed in her life? She buried her face in his neck, but even one good man was little against the memories of a terrible one sometimes.

"I’m so scared they found him," she whispered so low she was afraid he wouldn’t hear. "Or that they will."

"They didn’t," he replied just as low. "They won’t."

They had talked about Stanley’s demise once, for Becky had not wanted to engage in a relationship with Tom again without bearing this part of herself to him, even though she hated it. They had never mentioned the details of it again, though she knew that with every kiss and every attention Tom was trying to mend what Stanley had broken. The years in between, living in fear and in pain, they had talked about more often and she had even admitted some of it to Lex in moments of closeness when she had needed the support. She sometimes wondered which was more painful, the hellish marriage she had known or the end of it, the guilt that crippled and shamed her, the horror filling up her mind if she let it run loose for too long. Surely having escaped such suffering ought to be a good thing, but there was no relief in the memories at all, nothing victorious.

"The children would hate me for it," she said. "They’d renounce me."

He kissed the top of her head. His hand was rubbing circles against her back to soothe her. The effort was only slightly successful, which was better than her angst left unchecked. A little bit better.

"They wouldn’t," he swore, "And they never have to know unless you tell them."

Some days easier than others, it was always a hard pill to swallow that her life was no longer the war field it had been, every day terrified to come home. She thought of her children, each of them one by one, the specific joy they all brought her. How much she loved them individually but also as a whole, the household that was hers now. She thought of Lex’s embrace just a while ago. Only with them for a few years, she had grown out of a lot of her caustic ways, more compassionate every day.

"I’m afraid Lex suspects something."

His other hand reached up to scratch her scalp gently. Slowly, the magic of his touch was working a little and she could only be thankful for that. Every day of her life, she was thankful for Tom in it.

"She might, but she might not and either way she loves you." He kissed her hair again. "You’re a good person, Becky. You’re the most loving, the kindest, best woman I’ve ever known."

It was hard to believe him when he uttered such pleasantries, but Tom made sure to repeat himself so often that Becky simply had to believe him a little for the sake of habit if nothing else. Hannah’s quiet breath barely a foot away, Rose’s more rapid one just a little farther, best of all Tom’s arms and his love, Becky gradually calmed down with great difficulty. She did not sleep well, but she slept, which was a victory over herself she had not been sure to expect. She had been used to sleepless nights before.

The next day was spent around the lake. The sun was high in the sky but not unpleasantly so, only warm enough for the water to be just right. Tom sat behind Becky to hold her close between his arms, his legs around hers. He was all excellent cheer and full of affections which were more playful than just to soothe the woes of Becky’s heart. He was kissing her cheeks, tickling her belly a little, and playing stupid with his jokes to make her laugh. It worked − it often worked. She clung to his bare arms around her, leaned back into his torso. Her face in the crook of his neck, she felt safer. Hannah was sitting with them under the shade to read, as she hated swimming, but the other kids were having the time of their lives in the water. Tim was playing with the younger kids right at the edge of the lake, barely wading into it, though Lex was half trying to drown him, by the look of it.

"Careful!" Tom called out to them. "And don’t let the little ones go too far!"

"It’s this big one I’d be worried about!" Lex retorted and splashed Tim with as big a wave as she could.

Nicholas was as dirty as if he had grown up in the wild when he trotted his way towards Tom and Becky. His swimming trunks had been light blue, which Becky now realized had been a mistake, so dark with mud they presently were, too much messing around. The next time, she would get them all darker ones so they could better play to their hearts’ content.

"Daddy!" The boy cried. "Come play!"

Tom glanced at Becky, who smiled and gave him a quick kiss.

"Go play, then," she told him softly. "You heard the boss."

He had barely stood to his feet that Lex came to replace him next to her. She was wearing old boxers and a t-shirt which clung to her skin uncomfortably and she pulled on them a little as she sat. From here, the sun only shone on her legs, which she laid out leisurely and leaned back on her arms. There was a splatter of laughter from the rest of them in the lake as Tom grabbed Nicholas to hoist him up on his shoulders and took him to a greater depth. Hannah joined Rose on the shore where they looked at rocks together and Tim swam as fast as he could in laps to impress them. Becky smiled.

"I know something’s going on," Lex said and tore her from her thoughts of fondness. They looked at each other. "I don’t know what it is and you don’t have to tell me but…" Her hand caught Becky’s and she laced their fingers together. "You know we’re all crazy about you, right? Dad most of all, but all of us."

Becky such sincerity in her eyes her heart was swollen with it and she leaned her head against Lex’s shoulder. It was soaked from her swim, but as comfortable as the softest pillow in this moment.

"Thank you, sweetie."

She wondered if Lex was disappointed that she did not tell her more, but that story had only ever been uttered once and nobody else in the world would ever know of it if Becky had a say. A part of her was curious if Lex had so much as a hint of the truth or if her hypotheses were much farther away from what had actually taken place. That part would never be satiated and she was fine with that. To offer a clue would be to put herself at risk. She would never let that happen. Not with the daughter she loved nor with any other person.

In the afternoon, they built a theater made of branches and leaves in the woods and the big kids all signed and told a story for the little ones. There was no saying if the story made much sense to them or even in an objective way, but both of them looked so happy it made no difference at all. Hannah helped Tim cook that evening while Tom gave the toddlers a camp shower after so much filthy fun in the lake and the forest. The stars were particularly bright at night and Becky felt almost happy staring up at the night sky.

The second night was marginally better. The kids decided to switch around tents. Sprawled across much more than his share of the tent’s surface, Tim was snoring loudly next to his father. Nicholas was sandwiched between Tom and Becky because he had not wanted to pick only one of them to sleep next to. He had been a fussy sleeper as a baby but was now the most peaceful of them in this tent and Becky couldn’t stop staring at his precious little face, the way a curl of hair fell on his eye and rose with every breath. She pushed it to the side with soft fingers and the boy’s nose squinted in his sleep, but he soothed himself and cuddled his plush rhino very close.

She looked at Tom and found his eyes already on her. They smiled at each other. His hand clasped around hers and played with it gently. When they had been kids themselves back in high school, they had dreamed up a life they might have in a fuzzy distant future, the perfect wedding, the perfect family, everything white picket fence and a boy and a girl and good jobs and cars. They had some of that and more, but at the cost of a gaping hole in their lives that even such happiness was not always enough to fill. The happiness was so tangible, though, so certain right here under this canvas roof and every day of her life with Tom. She loved her son for how much he grew to look like his father, the proof that she was not broken, that she could produce good in this world in the person of such a sweet boy − and all the same about their daughter and the three children she had not carried herself. So long as she had a family, she had not lost everything, not even within herself. She never remembered falling asleep but she woke oddly rested cuddling her child against her.

They hiked again the next day back to where the cars were parked. Tom was chatting with the girls at the front and Lex was giving Nicholas a piggyback. Hannah and Tim were carrying the tents to prove just how strong they could be, though their feet were dragging a little with tiredness. Tim was at the back with Becky and Rosie, telling her a story in sign language, of course because he loved young children and especially his siblings, but also a little to show off how far he had come since he had started his ASL classes. It only made sense, Becky thought, that a chatty kid like him would want to ramble on in signs if his sister could never hear his voice.

The drive back home was much quieter than it had been on the drive there. They split the same way they had before and the toddlers were very docile passengers, easily letting themselves be buckled into their seats and sitting there idly without a peep. When Tom asked them how they had liked the trip, they both replied that they had loved it, Nicholas with his words and Rose with her smiles. He did not ask Becky, because he already knew, all in intricate complexity. His hand was on her lap and she covered it with hers, smiling at him, filled with love.

"Can you text to ask the kids what kinda takeouts they want for dinner?" He asked her. "We don’t wanna be cooking tonight, I think."

She texted Tim and got a quick and very enthusiastic reply with a great number of emojis.

"They say Chinese," she said.

"Alright, good. We’ll get Chinese."

She stayed in the car to watch the kids while Tom went inside the restaurant and ordered for a family of seven. Turning to the back seats, she gave them a big smile.

"Isn’t daddy such a good man?" She sighed.

Rosie nodded.

"Yeah!" Nicholas cried out − he loved to say that, and he loved his father.

At home, they all crashed lazily in a pile on the couches while Tom unpacked the bags to drop most things into the laundry basket to wash the next day. Lex sorted the takeout containers to give everyone their due, ending with Tom when he came back to join the rest of them. They ate in satisfied silence till Hannah put down her fork - Tim had tried in vain to get her to use chopsticks in the past but she was a reluctant learner there and Tom had asked him to stop pestering her with it years ago. She looked around the room at the rest of the family, then down at her hands.

"I won't go again next year," she said.

She pouted as if she was expecting to be scolded for it and even after years here at home, Becky's heart broke for her. She put a hand at her knee to squeeze gently. Tom smiled at her.

"That's alright, sweetheart," he told her, trying to reassure. "That's totally fine, you don't have to come again if you didn't like it."

He turned to Becky and his mouth tightened a little, but he swallowed it down and smiled at her too. Becky nodded. Hannah’s admission had been a relief to herself as well and she knew that he was anticipating what she was about to say.

"I’ll keep Hannah company at home, I think," she said.

She had not hated the trip, not when spent in her favorite company and littered with great moments of fondness and even a bit of fun. In a way, she was even proud of herself for making it through without cracking too badly. She had expected worse. Achieving this just the once, though, was about as much as she was willing to endure. It was one thing to prove to herself that she was capable of doing this, but another entirely to put herself through it over and over needlessly. Some things were simply too heavy to cover up with good family memories and their memories would always linger. And aside from that, Hannah did not do well at home on her own and she would greatly need the supervision even as a teenager.

"Well," Lex said, "I guess we’ll squeeze into one tent without you next year, then."

All kids washed from the grime of the trip, the older ones well on their own and the toddlers merrily splashing each other in the same tub filled with suds and toys. They finished the bath exhausted, though, and were falling asleep in Becky’s arms when she put them to bed. Even Lex, Tim and Hannah were rubbing their eyes tiredly and excused themselves to their rooms as well. Becky smiled at Tom. They could either linger here doing nothing in particular till they dragged themselves to bed, or they could go there directly in all comfort and coziness. She took his hand and led him to their bedroom. In bed, her held her in his arms, his back against the pillows, and kissed her hair. It was a long moment before he said anything, and very little at that.

"I love you," he said.

Everything else he meant was implicit but she felt it without a word. She knew he was proud of her, she knew he was sorry for the pain of the distant and recent past. She knew his love was unconditional and unwavering. For so long her life had been filled with incertitude, never knowing when anger and violence would fall on her, but she knew now every day to expect tenderness and support. What a strange thing to get used to, but she did, she had.

"I love you too," she replied and tucked herself closer in his embrace.

She closed her eyes and noted just how safe she was feeling. Their love was secure and never in doubt. Not even if they were apart for a few days of the year.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment!!!


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